Just out here circling back as I insist on keeping this blog open. Lol! It’s so liberating how I go back to my old self through this from, latest one, a year ago! It reminds me of how far I’ve reached in life and the huge changes I went through!
First of I am now 28! My first blog (not this site) was back when I was what? 18? And it’s been 10 years! I know I haven’t been very active but hey at least I had at least one check back last year? I mean, that’s not so bad? Right?
Well, blogging is no longer a thing now but I feel like I’m still way comfortable with it compared to the now i.e. TikTok, Vlogs, IG stories although I am heavily using IG stories.
Anyway just out here catching up, I have more time now compared to where I was the last three years? Where am I, you ask… working. As boring as it may seem (it’s not) I feel like have literally worked my ass off that I forgot to have a life. Now that I am at a state where I was able to establish boundaries to myself with work (while sometimes still forgetting it) I would say that right now it’s waaaaaaay better.
Where I am now, specifically? I will post on my next! Of course it has to have pics but I have just an hour right now and I really wanted to post now and writing something *with much effort* will take more than that. So happy to be back I should do this more often (like how I always tell myself but I do! it’s just that they are all privately kept away) - not even sure if anyone else is reading this other than me but I don’t care. It keeps me grounded and it’s instant self check when I feel like my life isn’t going anywhere.
I wrote this on my notes on Jan 1st 2021 at 4:17PM PHT and thought it would be nice to share it here as well. Hope you learn a thing or two. :)
1. What are you currently holding on to that’s no longer serving you? Why are you still holding on? What’s one small step you can take towards letting go?
- to be honest, I can’t think of any. I feel the most light this year as I let go of the attachments I had that just doesn’t make sense being in my life. I realized that it’s better to rely on myself alone for my own happiness; and it’s the most amazing thing that I did for myself.
2. What was your biggest heartbreak in 2020? What did it teach you?
- at work, I lead a team in offshore and there’s this senior team member who disrespected me and attacked me personally. I tried to escalate it but I was told to keep it because the person might be going through something… which I did but it haunted me. In the middle of a pandemic, I’m dealing with that experience on my own and it gave me meltdowns. I did get through it somehow but I learned that I could have handled it differently. At work, you must be professional. You can’t mix professional and personal. This taught me to be mindful about things at work and you can always get help from other people. Try to stay rational and be more present. Nothing’s wrong with understanding people as long as you are not sacrificing your mental health or your inner peace.
3. Set a goal for 2021 that excites you. Set a goal that scares you.
- a goal that excites me and scares me would be moving to another country - who knows, maybe for a few years only or for good. This has been pending for some time now but I feel that I’m ready now. This pandemic has prepared me for it. Along with this goal comes two more - one would be to get out of my comfort zone (skill-wise or at work) and the other one to be ready for a new love.
4. What did you accomplish this year you weren’t sure you could? Big or small. Take a moment to soak that in.
- HEAL. Took me five years so this is a pretty big one. Heal - not just from my past relationship but also from a self-inflicted painful situation I’ve put myself into - without setting my world on fire. Will go back to this year and recall that this was the year I got myself inner peace. And I will thank myself for it, constantly.
5. Who in your life made 2020 a better year for you? Let them know.
- My mom and my sisters. I never thought that I could still discover new things about them. I’m glad to have known them better and spent quality time with them this year.
6. What or who have you outgrown this year? What are you growing into?
- I think it would have to be a part of the old me who is very serious and emotional about how people treat me. I have grown into a kind of person who doesn’t assume things based on other people’s action towards me. I have become more chill and even more understanding. I keep in mind that there are things about other people (from which the info aren’t available to me all the time) that I don’t know or expect to be knowing.
7. Who came into your life this year that you’re grateful to have met? Let them know.
- My crush, P. HAHA! He gave me so much excitement via little things online and I was happy to feel kilig again. Although he seems to be the kind who just likes to play around, I know it’s just a phase and someday he will meet someone whom he’ll be serious about. TY for the thrill this 2020! <3
8. What’s an important boundary you’d like to set going into 2021? With others? With yourself?
- I will set a boundary with myself about how much I will be working day-to-day. I will no longer work until 3:00AM. With others, I won’t let anyone abuse me anymore. (by me I mean my kindness/ forgiving/ sacrificial self LOL)
9. What can you thank yourself for this year?
- THANK YOU for doing your inner workings just to achieve your current being, mindset, and individuality. There’s still so much work to do in 2021 - dealing with loneliness that came with eliminating the unhealthy attachments but I wouldn’t be here without the work your did for yourself this year. Go out there and meet your soulmate for the right reasons. Stay whole. <3
Did not know I will ever be but I am happy and whole on my own
Growing up without a father to protect me left me two things: (1) that I will need to have someone fill in for him, and (2) that I cannot be happy and whole without the void my dad left me filled in. So my entire teen life I thought that I have to have someone (a partner) who I will have to depend on for my happiness, motivation, and security. Although I did feel these things mostly on the early parts of my past relationships, I always feel so pressured and suffocated by this idea that I have to feel it all the time for me to stay - in spite of all the red flags. It was only in the last four years not being in a ship that I realized that I had to be whole first. It’s a mandatory prerequisite before jumping in and sailing. If you ask me now, you will get a million words out of me about how whole and happy, not just happy but ecstatic, I am right now.
How did I get to this state?
TBH, it’s not at all simple. I had to HEAL from my past relationship as it has done so much damage on my perception of things. I had to reset and the process was a rollercoaster ride. There are nights I sob myself to sleep and mornings at my office’s parking lot tearing up without a reason. Well, there’s actually a reason… but until now it’s not all clear to me. I just let myself be and feel what I had to feel and do what I had to do. I did not supress myself from anything the entire time; that’s how I had to cope. But one thing that helped me the most was my vision board. I always thought that vision boards are dedicated only for your goals and dreams - concrete ones. But one night I was so desperate, I wrote “it is going to get better” and stuck it on the very center of my board. Every single morning for more than a year I wake up, stare at my board and read these six words to myself and believed it. Literally there’s light at the end of the tunnel. The universe will really conspire to help you achieve something you need to.
When and how did I realize I finally achieved it?
Achieved what? The feeling of being whole? of genuine happiness? of self-love and security? Well I just woke up one day feeling I got all that I need to be happy. I learned that happiness isn’t really a destination or an achievement. But it is something you experience along the way towards wherever you want life to take you. I realized you have to depend on yourself to feel whole and happy.
So, what’s next?
This doesn’t mean though that my door’s closed. It’s wide open actually. Dating here and there but haven’t really met anyone who stuck by to accept that I have other priorities and I don’t like being pressured or tied to a leash. It gets frustrating at times especially when someone always comes and brings up how single and alone I am. I just laugh it up but I secretly show them how happy I am to the point that they sus me if I really am single or maybe I’m secretly dating. Either way, I try my best to be patient. I know someone’s out there for me. He’s just taking time so he’d be whole and happy when we meet and when we do we’ll complement each other and we’ll have the happiest and healthiest relationship ever.
Ending this now as I have overused the word “happy.” That’s how h*ppy I am. I hope this helps especially if you are going through anything similar yourself. It is going to get better. :)
Hola~ I'm Alodia! Welcome to my blog. It’s called "Stuff and Nonsense" because it's pretty much what I'm going to post here — some of the stuff I do and more of my nonsense. This blog is my safe space. It's a place for my thoughts, my experiences, favorite fits, music and everything in between.
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